We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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