I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
