I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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