Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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