"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
