i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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