ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
