meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Yo dont text me then not text me
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Hippo gnu deer
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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