Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
