the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he shaved USA in his pubs
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
