I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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