I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I can't put those talents on a resume
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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