Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
