dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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