i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You did what with his pubic hair?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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