I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
