I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
