I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
