I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
