Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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