Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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