Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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