tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
My vagina just clenched in fear
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
