Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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