I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
We left an ass print on the piano.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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