Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
