i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize