Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
