I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We just shotgunned beers for America
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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