He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
