Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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