The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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