Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
