Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
is wine microwaveable?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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