I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
is that a dick in a sweater?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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