He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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