Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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