I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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