im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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