it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
