There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I am spending my child support on dildos
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
