You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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