we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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