DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
