nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
