Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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