My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
