I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
