I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
