We won't sleep together?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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