don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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