think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
